April 16, 2007

The Middle of My Life

Not drifting, not deliberate. Not determined, not desolate, either. Not a lot of things, but I am in the midst of "the change". Oohh, I said it!

Last year we called this "reverse puberty", just for fun. There's instability here. My kids are mostly grown, and grandchildren come around to interrupt my aging! What a joyful relief!

Nothing is as I thought it would be, and everything is better than I thought it would be! Today it appears that way, anyway. Not too many weeks ago I was distraught with tears over all my "hardships". Sorry, I don't mean to appear insane, dear family. Other times, giddy with joy, I forget to act respectable! Like I said, I don't mean to...

This is a great time - time to contemplate, and to ponder why I must keep myself so busy. Is it because I feel I must prove my worth? A great time - time to reassess my values, and develop them. What do I value?

And the instability? I don't like it. I don't want it, but it's here. Sometimes I'm excited to experience it, like riding the roller coaster at the county fair. Hey, I do like it! I do want it! By the way, do you scream when you're there? I don't; I'm a giggler! My older cousin observed this when we were at the Lagoon, in Salt Lake City. Let's see, 35 years ago or so? Wow!

So, as is in my nature, I look at these changes in the mirror and erupt in laughter! How funny, that for so long such and such was so important to me, and now it is not! Look at my face! my hair! My smile looks much the same. Even my tears - it's all strangely familiar.

Sometimes the face shows one of my grandmothers. Sometimes it shows one of my grandchildren! I change. I will continue to change. Why should I be surprised that the last 51 years proves that I change constantly. And yet, deep-down the same. I don't think that life is a mystery to be solved, because there is really no ending. Instead, it's an adventure to be lived. My hair's blowing in the wind, and the roller coaster is racing. I'm holding on tight, but do you hear me giggling?


Autumn Terrill said...

Welcome Kathy to the world of blogging!
Check out my site sometime too!
Nice to 'hear' from you!

Anonymous said...

good job, God!

Anonymous said...

Getting older...scary!
I'm starting to challenge myself in some of these same ways; to change. What a concept! Something that is not easy for me to accept and ironically the thing I have the least control over. :)