September 30, 2007

In the Darkness

If you’ve read my earliest posts, you’ve seen that I am approaching menopause and dealing with a little of the craziness attached to it. To be more honest, I mean a lot of the craziness.

Before a couple of years ago I wouldn’t have considered taking medication for what I decided must be a natural part of living. I would “tough it out”, through hot flashes (what’s wrong with being a hottie?) and through insomnia (it must be my “watch” for prayer). At the end of it all I’d emerge a healthier older woman, free of side effects and risks associated with taking medications.

Something started going seriously wrong, though, when my soul began to sink into bouts of depression and anger. Wow. Powerful emotions became a part of a “cycle” that was eroding my relationships, especially with my husband. Amazingly, I would fall in love with him on a deeper level as he demonstrated his faithfulness and commitment to me. At the same time, though, I would blame him for his bewildering emotional withdrawal from me during those times when I needed his support the most.

I went for a medical check-up and was prescribed topical progesterone cream, which I learned was a natural substance. That really did the trick for me. Whenever I became lax about keeping up with my daily dosage, though, I would suffer for it (and so would my husband!). I periodically demonstrated that this medication was necessary to our well-being, and thanked God for providing it.

Years have passed since the initial diagnosis, and the battles have gotten harder, the darkness darker, my body achier, the changes more difficult. (Coincidentally, though, my worship has become sweeter!)

My husband has his own mid-life issues now. Though I’ve increased the dosage of the progesterone cream x3, I still find myself drifting into those dark places.

When will I learn?

My life is not about having all the answers. My life is not about maintaining perfect family relationships. My life is not about things always being easy. Though God has given me His wonderful gifts of answers, relationships and peace, my life actually consists of how I relate to Him – just Him.

So, I must worship Him; throw up my hands and look to the heavens, and adore Him. I must continually give Him all my burdens.

King David struggled with times of depression. He wrote some of the most awesome songs recorded in the book of Psalms, in response to his camping out in dark places.

Not to mention (but I will), that we have an enemy afoot, too. I must remember to recognize his schemes and shine the light on them, even the ones that I have taken part in. Whether I can differentiate my physical state from his craftiness doesn’t matter. I can make everything right by looking to Jesus and praising Him. He understands all things. His love NEVER fails. I will get through this. I will see the light again.

I will trust Him. And when I don’t, He will hold me till the night is over and I trust Him again. He is the one Who is strong, and I am the one who needs Him, only Him, in my darkest and weakest times.

If you would pray for me, I need wisdom as I consider taking the stronger medications that my doctor has prescribed. Thank-you!

1 comment:

Jen said...

You don't know me, but you once commented on my blog. I just read your post and it touched me. We will all struggle through those times where we feel we are camping out in dark places and it is so good to know that no matter what, Jesus Christ will always be there for us. What a great feeling. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.